I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
