Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
