There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
