I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
