Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
