wakey wakey hands off snakey
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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