Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
