I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
How external is "for external use only"?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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