if you like me you must not know who I am
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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