i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
