I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
