the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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