in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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