I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
