here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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