Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
