Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
