Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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