I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
