I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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