if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
