This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
