I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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