i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
