Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
