I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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