When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
