Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
