I want to have your abortion
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
