Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
