i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Couch. On fire.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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