Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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