TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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