Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Randomize
