And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
