i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
