Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
