im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
