u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
