If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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