Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I stole a fireplace last night.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
