So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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