I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
