my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
