I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
