"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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