Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
