My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
