I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
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