My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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