i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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