She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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